1
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:40,293
You know, Gargamadua, I am a
very lucky man. <b>Ripped By mstoll</b>

2
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:43,756
Look at me. I'm
young, attractive.

3
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:48,473
I'm with the most beautiful girl
in the whole wide Chelmsford area.

4
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,510
And I live in the lap of luxury.

5
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:55,439
I bet you couldn't name one person
who's better off than I am.

6
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,596
- Aulus Paulinus.
- You see?

7
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:03,998
That great Roman tosspot? Name me one
thing that he's got that I haven't got.

8
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:09,794
Nice villa, underfloor heating, lovely
clothes, good manners, a toilet.

9
00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:11,319
All right, I said one thing.

10
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,920
I tell you one thing you've
got that he hasn't got.

11
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:17,188
- What's that?
- Me.

12
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,754
For a night of mad,
passionate lovemaking.

13
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,678
That's true, my love. And
that night is tomorrow night.

14
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,917
- Badvoc!
- Sorry. Business before pleasure.

15
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,110
- Duty calls.
- What duty's that?

16
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:30,718
Leading my tribe.

17
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:34,309
Yeah, leading them to Wossers
tavern then leading them to the bar

18
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:38,148
and leading them in drinking songs,
that's the only leading you do.

19
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,670
Chelmsford is a dangerous place.
It's a jungle out there.

20
00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,669
People being attacked, houses being
looted, women being molested.

21
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,439
Only on the nights you're
out leading your tribe.

22
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,075
Look, supposing Mungo
were to come in now

23
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:56,590
with news of a vicious knife
fight at Wossers tavern.

24
00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,916
- I'd have to respond.
- Mungo comes in here every night,

25
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:04,431
saying, "Badvoc, come to Wossers tavern
quickly, there's been a knife fight."

26
00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,630
It's code for "Let's
go and get pissed."

27
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:10,000
- Rubbish.
- Badvoc, come to Wossers tavern!

28
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,474
- Why?
- Well, I thought we'd get pissed.

29
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,270
I hate to disappoint
you, gentlemen,

30
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:20,359
but I'm afraid your leader is staying
at home to make passionate love to me.

31
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:24,075
Oh. Fair enough. We'll pop
back in, what, ten minutes?

32
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:29,197
- Shouldn't take that long.
- Out.

33
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:32,755
Mungo, I've told you before,
don't bring that into the house.

34
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,075
Leave him outside with
the other animals.

35
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:38,476
Gargamadua, you're very
lucky I'm not witty.

36
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,830
Otherwise I'd come back with a
really cutting remark. Huh!

37
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,151
Sorry, lads. Keep in touch.

38
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:49,750
I'll make sure you don't
regret this, Badvoc.

39
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:55,711
Tonight, my love, wild horses
wouldn't drag me away from you.

40
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:08,036
Right, read out what
we've got so far.

41
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,514
"Dear Caesar."

42
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:12,993
That's it.

43
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,911
I don't like the "dear" much.

44
00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,753
I'm not mad about "Caesar" either.
Start again.

45
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:27,350
Caesar, nothing has happened here in
the past two months. Yours, Aulus.

46
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,915
You can't put that in
an imperial report.

47
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,076
Nothing <i>has</i> happened
here recently.

48
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:36,430
Name me one thing of interest
that's happened here recently.

49
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:40,029
- Badvoc has been kidnapped!
- He said of interest.

50
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,834
This is serious, Aulus. Gargamadua
found a note pinned to his door.

51
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:49,113
"Badvoc is prisoner of the Triconi,
the fiercest tribe in Britain.

52
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:55,230
Follow our instructions and do as you are
told if you want to see him alive again."

53
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:59,193
Well, that's simple. Nobody wants
to see him alive again, do they?

54
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,959
The man who would succeed
Badvoc as tribal leader

55
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,309
is even more anti-Roman
than Badvoc.

56
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:08,319
He is fervently committed to getting
all Romans off British soil.

57
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,271
Aren't we all?

58
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,790
His sword drips with the
blood of a thousand Romans.

59
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,718
He wants to get a bit of rag,
that should do the trick.

60
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:19,878
You may laugh, Aulus.

61
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:25,074
Suffice it to say that this man's
nickname is the Hammer of the Romans.

62
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,236
- And his real name?
- Cecil.

63
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:31,910
Aulus, believe me, I
know these people.

64
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,952
All right, Functio, we'll
organise a search party.

65
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,117
You sober up the generals
and get them back in here.

66
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,391
Well, poor old Badvoc.

67
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,795
Mm. Poor old kidnappers.

68
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:50,751
Badvoc, you are prisoner
of the Triconi.

69
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,633
The fiercest tribe
in all Britain.

70
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:55,238
Never heard of them!

71
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,589
We hope your Roman allies

72
00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:02,475
will accede to our demands or we
will slowly peel your skin off,

73
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:06,559
carve your flesh and
boil your bones in oil!

74
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:11,318
I see. Having friends round
for dinner, are you?

75
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:12,839
- Silence!
- Umph!

76
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:18,273
Oo-ah! Oo-ah! Oo-ah!

77
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,517
Ah, Aulus. Keeping fit, are we?

78
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,632
No, just brushing up my
technique for the next orgy.

79
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:30,872
- The witnesses to the kidnap are here.
- Ah, good. Send them in.

80
00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,110
Oh, it's you two.

81
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,231
Apparently you saw Badvoc
minutes before his kidnapping.

82
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:44,271
- Could have.
- Yeah.

83
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,515
Did you notice anything
unusual about him?

84
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,551
Well, he was sober.

85
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,716
Anything else? Blag?

86
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:58,231
Well, he didn't look like a bloke
that was about to be kidnapped.

87
00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:02,193
Not to me, anyway. But then I
wasn't really looking, was I?

88
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,470
- No.
- No.

89
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,876
Thank you, gentlemen. You were
a very great help, thank you.

90
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:14,071
Hang on, I just
remembered something.

91
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,155
What?

92
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,873
Supposed to pick up
some bread for my mum.

93
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,717
Good! Thank you.

94
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,313
Gargamadua! I'm sorry. Please.

95
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,349
This must be a very
distressing time for you.

96
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:35,549
Yes.

97
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:40,276
But I can't authorise a search party until
we're sure this kidnap is authentic.

98
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,709
Not some elaborate
hoax, you understand?

99
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,633
So please, look at
this note carefully.

100
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,274
Could Badvoc have
written this note?

101
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,274
- No!
- I see.

102
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:56,992
He can't write!

103
00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:02,599
Right. Please,
Gargamadua, don't worry.

104
00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:08,476
Until Badvoc is found you can stay here in
the villa under my personal protection.

105
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:12,149
Oh, thank you, Governor!
How can I ever repay you?

106
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,838
Thank you!

107
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:25,079
Aulus, I am your conscience.

108
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:28,715
And I say you must put aside
these wicked thoughts,

109
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:32,309
do your duty and
look for Badvoc.

110
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:34,396
I suppose you're right. Yes.

111
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:37,671
Aulus, I'm your real conscience.

112
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:41,269
Do yourself a favour.
Forget Badvoc.

113
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,356
He wouldn't come
looking for you.

114
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:46,073
Besides, if he
doesn't come back,

115
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:49,556
little Gargamadua will
be all on her own.

116
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,352
True, true. Yes.

117
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,595
Don't listen to him, Aulus.

118
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,234
Go on, Aulus, you
know you fancy her.

119
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,635
I wouldn't go quite that far.

120
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,513
Look at those lovely lips.
Those beautiful eyes.

121
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:06,554
Those perfect breasts. That
lovely silk-like skin. Whoa!

122
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,477
Don't forget her bottom. Oh!

123
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:12,274
Yeah. Those legs! Phwoar!
Lovely legs.

124
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:16,199
Oh, they're gorgeous. Oh,
I wish I wasn't so good.

125
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,198
Stop it, the pair of you.
Just go away!

126
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,670
I know exactly what I must do.

127
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,877
Gentlemen, I have decided

128
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,912
there is only one course of
action I can possibly take.

129
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,872
We will begin to search
for Badvoc immediately...

130
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:39,596
after you come back from the month's
leave I've just decided to give you.

131
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,513
Oi, listen!

132
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:49,189
Dumping me in a barrel of shit
doesn't bother me, you know.

133
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,708
I've been to Ipswich
on market day.

134
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,757
You better watch out.

135
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:58,873
My friend Aulus Paulinus the governor
will be after you pretty sharpish.

136
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,912
He's probably got his
generals together now.

137
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,509
He's probably scouring the
countryside at this very moment.

138
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,271
Mm! Lovely!

139
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,072
Bit more salt, I think.

140
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,156
Aulus!

141
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,474
Come in!

142
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,471
Something amusing you, Functio?

143
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:26,272
Sorry.

144
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:29,278
That's all. I've got a very
important guest coming.

145
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:33,996
- I'll let you get changed.
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

146
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:36,592
Oh, very funny, Functio!

147
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,552
You're so provincial. This
is all the rage in Rome.

148
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:43,593
- They call it the Persian look.
- But in Persia the women wear it!

149
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,995
Ha ha ha ha! Out!

150
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,909
What's he laughing at?

151
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,277
- Oh!
- I...

152
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,869
Aulus, I'm sorry,
I didn't realise.

153
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,118
Where did you get that?

154
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,991
I've got the only
two in Britain.

155
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,749
I'm wearing one and the other
one's in that cupboard there.

156
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:12,555
Where no one could get it unless Badvoc
came in and stole it and gave it to you.

157
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,033
Badvoc!

158
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,150
- Is there any news of Badvoc?
- Hmm?

159
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,191
Oh! Oh yes, yes, oh yes.

160
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:22,074
Only this morning I briefed the
generals as to our course of action.

161
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:26,875
But Gargamadua, tonight you
must forget all about Badvoc.

162
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:30,993
You must not worry about Badvoc.
Come. Sit down.

163
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:35,275
I invited you here to take
your mind off things.

164
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:42,032
- Oh, erm... Music?
- Lovely.

165
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,432
Music.

166
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,073
Music!

167
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,357
- Wine?
- Thank you.

168
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,993
It's a little Macedonian
number I had sent over.

169
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:11,835
I think... I think you'll
amused by its nose.

170
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,119
- That was lovely.
- Good!

171
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,237
Poetry! Yes, of course.

172
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:30,999
Gargamadua, you
strike me as a woman

173
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:33,474
who would respond to the
finer things in life.

174
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,270
Yes. Catullus.

175
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:40,320
What?

176
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:43,875
One of our finest Roman love poets.
I'm sure you'll like him.

177
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,917
"My heart is like a sparrow

178
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,918
Imprisone-ed in his cage

179
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,753
Waiting for his mistress

180
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,677
To come...

181
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:03,589
And fill up the thimble
attached to one of the bars

182
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,470
With sea."

183
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:12,509
Well, it loses a lot in
translation, obviously. Er...

184
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:16,954
You see, in the Latin there's a
clever use of the dative case.

185
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:21,596
Gargamadua, I know you
are lonely, but so am I.

186
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,110
Hundreds of miles away from Rome,
from my family, my friends.

187
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:28,914
I have a wife, it's true, but
she doesn't understand me.

188
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:33,512
And here in Britain I'm a
stranger in a strange land

189
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,790
with no shoulder to cry on.

190
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,511
Yes, Gargamadua.

191
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:43,156
I know that loneliness can
be a very lonely thing.

192
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,556
Oh, you poor boy!

193
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:52,357
Right, that does it!

194
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,437
I'm going to count to ten
and then you've had it.

195
00:12:55,480 --> 00:13:00,235
One, two, three, four...

196
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:06,150
Right, I'll give you
one more chance.

197
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,317
I'm going to count to four and
then you've had it. Right?

198
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,828
One, two, three, four.

199
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,314
Argh! Right, you're
under arrest.

200
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,590
Quietly now. No funny business.

201
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,517
Shut up!

202
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:21,597
I wouldn't like to be in your
shoes when Aulus gets here.

203
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,108
He's probably getting
ready as we speak.

204
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,515
He's probably on the job
at this very moment.

205
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:28,278
Oh!

206
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,431
Venio! Venio!

207
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,155
Back, men, back! No,
we need him alive!

208
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,395
- Argh!
- Stay! Stay!

209
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,237
Argh! Argh!

210
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,713
Please, please, please.

211
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,197
I can't keep this up any longer.

212
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:50,232
We've got to. We're the
fiercest tribe in Britain.

213
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,955
I know but we're not, are we?
We're not even a tribe.

214
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:56,519
There's only two of us.

215
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,872
Don't go on, I'm getting
one of my migraines.

216
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,639
I've had my nervous stomach
for the past three days.

217
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,591
He's so aggressive.

218
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,558
This is nice, what is it?

219
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:12,309
Mm, it's one of my own, actually.
It's an acorn infusion.

220
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:13,839
With just a touch of mint.

221
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,950
I'm warning you, Triconi!

222
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,151
Thank God he's tied up. You
did tie him up, didn't you?

223
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,315
Oh, yes, yes.

224
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,079
I'm not very good at knots
but I did one of my bows.

225
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,828
- Did you hide that big sword of his?
- Oh, yes.

226
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,075
I hid it under a
pile of our swords.

227
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,588
- He'll never find it.
- Good, good, good.

228
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:36,113
- He's very fierce, isn't he?
- Brutal.

229
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:40,836
If he found out we weren't a real tribe
of warriors, I wonder how he'd feel?

230
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,916
Acutely embarrassed.

231
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,311
No, no, not the face.

232
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:55,715
This is the first time in my life
I have been less than delighted

233
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:57,671
to get my hands on
a pair of tits.

234
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,951
- It was his idea.
- No, it was yours.

235
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,514
Shut up! Shut up.

236
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:12,676
I only hope you asked
for a lot of money.

237
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,870
No, we didn't ask for any money.

238
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,388
We wanted a place to worship
the sun and the moon.

239
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,828
Somewhere where we could be at one
with nature and talk to the trees.

240
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:29,679
Marvellous. Kidnapped by religious
nutters with no business sense.

241
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:35,473
- Suppose you're vegetarians an' all?
- Oh no, we're from Colchester.

242
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,518
Look, I've got an idea.

243
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:45,313
We send Aulus another ransom
note demanding 100 bags of gold,

244
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,271
which we split down the middle.

245
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:49,390
75 for me, 25 for you.

246
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,358
Why do we only get 25 bags?

247
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,197
Well, there's two of you.

248
00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,439
Oh, right.

249
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:04,310
"All we want is a quiet place
to worship the sun and moon

250
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,794
and a few trees to talk to."

251
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,950
What, no demands for money?

252
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,479
No.

253
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:15,910
A bunch of religious nutters
with no business sense.

254
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:20,113
It's essential we get Badvoc
back as soon as possible.

255
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:21,593
Good God, why?

256
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,632
If we don't the streets of
Chelmsford will run with blood.

257
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,477
Make a change from sewage.

258
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,790
To say nothing of the mischiefs
the Icini tribe might cause.

259
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,558
And then there's the gossip.

260
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,470
What gossip?

261
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:44,273
Aulus, you know I never
listen to such nonsense.

262
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,640
But my wife is on the
streets every day.

263
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,756
I'm sorry to here that, Functio.

264
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:53,232
- Shopping.
- Oh, sorry.

265
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,270
- And chatting.
- Ah.

266
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:05,548
And the word is that Aulus
will not try to find Badvoc

267
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:08,433
because... because...

268
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:10,628
Because...

269
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,319
Because you're
poking Gargamadua.

270
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,956
- Gargamadua and I are just friends.
- They've only done it once.

271
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,639
And I have the greatest
of respect for her.

272
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:22,352
And she won't let him any more.

273
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:27,429
Remind me to kill you one day, Grasientus.
If that's all, thank you.

274
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,914
I'm late for a very
important meeting.

275
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,432
I want to talk to you.

276
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,074
I've got to go to a
very important meeting.

277
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:47,995
Gentlemen, please. I do apologise
for keeping you waiting.

278
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:49,792
Affairs of state, et cetera.

279
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,035
- I want to talk.
- I'm busy.

280
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:56,994
Now, gentlemen, what are we
going to do about the Icini?

281
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,678
Bugger the Icini.

282
00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:02,432
That's certainly one possibility
we haven't explored.

283
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,357
I want to talk about us!

284
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:05,879
- What?
- You and me.

285
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:07,876
Yes, I know what "us" means.

286
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,388
Oh, I get the picture.

287
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:14,752
Just cos I won't come across with the
goods you've lost interest in me.

288
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,997
What was it you said as you
were taking my clothes off?

289
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:23,433
Er, "It's not just sex, it's
a meeting of kindred souls."

290
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,074
- Ha!

291
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:30,750
I don't think the generals are interested
in our petty squabbles, Gargamadua.

292
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:39,551
Well, Aulus Paulinus, I don't
mind being just a quick bonk.

293
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,990
But I didn't realise it was
going to be that quick.

294
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,595
It wasn't that quick, actually.

295
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,354
There are two men here with
a note from the kidnappers.

296
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,073
Ah! Ah...

297
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,112
Come on, hand it over.

298
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,833
Do you know, I've
forgotten where I put it.

299
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:07,476
Somewhere where... Where would that be?
Where no one would ever think of looking.

300
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:10,080
I know, down my bracchi.

301
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,358
My mum's bread.

302
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,638
Spare shoe.

303
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,479
My kipper.

304
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,559
There we are.

305
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,795
Ugh!

306
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:36,351
"P.S. On top of all
the other stuff

307
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:41,190
bung us 100 bags
of gold an' all."

308
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,953
I think they've given
us a vital clue.

309
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,434
Gentlemen, let us
go and find Badvoc.

310
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,391
Is there anything else you want?

311
00:19:56,440 --> 00:20:00,831
Erm... There is actually but I think
it's something I better do outside.

312
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,788
- What was that?
- What?

313
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:14,913
That noise. Sounded like
the clanking of armour.

314
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:16,837
Don't be silly.

315
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,269
Probably just the cat.

316
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,478
The cat doesn't wear armour!

317
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,198
There it is again.

318
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:32,000
It's nothing. You're so twitchy.

319
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,838
Yeah, sorry. What's
got into you tonight?

320
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:39,031
Argh! I think it's
a Roman dagger.

321
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,270
Sorry.

322
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,356
It's the last time
I listen to you.

323
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:52,235
Now the only problem
I foresee is Aulus.

324
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,316
He might not cough up.

325
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,749
He's a tight-fisted
bastard, that Aulus.

326
00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,672
Unlike this Aulus...

327
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,998
who of course is a
very fine fellow.

328
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:05,871
- Hello, Badvoc.
- Aulus.

329
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:07,353
You've met erm...

330
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,037
and killed...

331
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,916
Neville...

332
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,349
- and Crispin?
- Yeah.

333
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:23,113
You didn't give them any ransom
money, any 100 bags of gold?

334
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:24,434
- No. No.
- No. Good!

335
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:27,472
- Cos we must not give in to terrorism.
- Quite.

336
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,233
Hawthorn quiche?

337
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:39,353
I must say, Aulus, it was very
clever of you to find Badvoc.

338
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:42,476
What was the clue
on the ransom note?

339
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:43,999
Well...

340
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,990
Oh, I see. They used
headed notepaper.

341
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,837
Well, Aulus, it is
good to be back.

342
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,077
But there is one little
matter I'd like to clear up.

343
00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:59,235
And er... what's that?

344
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:05,719
Well, the whisper on the street is
that Gargamadua, my beloved honey pot,

345
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:10,072
was given protection here in
the villa during my absence.

346
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:13,237
It was the least we
could do, Badvoc.

347
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:18,308
I'm very grateful. It's just that
I hear that the er... protection

348
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:20,316
may have been a
bit over zealous.

349
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:25,315
Apparently her every little
need was catered for.

350
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,874
Yes, some not so little.

351
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:31,071
Suffice it to say that
if I find out who it was

352
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,873
who was a bit too thorough
with his protection,

353
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,150
I'll have his bollocks
for earrings.

354
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,118
Yes, they'd suit you, Badvoc.

355
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,030
Badvoc, please.

356
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:48,356
I am an honourable man,
as I know you are.

357
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,436
And I think you owe
me some gratitude

358
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,233
for securing your release
so allow me to say this.

359
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:58,229
When a beautiful woman comes to a man
seeking comfort in her loneliness,

360
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:02,956
it is very difficult for that man, even
an honourable man, if his blood be red,

361
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,911
to refuse her blandishments.

362
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,872
And therefore you must
forgive that man's weakness.

363
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:13,317
For I believe you already know the person
who took the favours from your woman

364
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:15,590
is seated here before you.

365
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:19,155
And so I confess

366
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,270
that that man is none other than

367
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:27,231
my brother-in-law Grasientus.
<b>Ripped By mstoll</b>